Friday, October 16, 2009

SOOO Overdue

It seems like decades since I’ve visited my blog. It isn’t that I don’t have things happening in my life. I do have stuff from time to time but I still don’t have internet access at home. I KNOW! I’m officially the last person on planet Earth without internet service.

So let’s play a little catch-up.
  • I recently had a job interview in which I was asked to sketch the building I had just entered to determine my attention to detail. I thought it was awful, but it was enough to satisfy the requestors.
  • I love any time I get to spend with my kids! Recently Caitie and I had another Continuation Day. A CD is an extension of her birthday last Spring. We decided that we couldn’t possibly do everything we wanted to do in one weekend, so we would pick up with a CD from time to time. The best thing is that CDs are limitless.
  • I’m substitute teaching again and really enjoy Pre-K and 5th grade. The Pre-Ks absorb what they are taught, and I have so much fun playing with them. The 5th graders are fun and tend to behave when I promise to bring squiggle doodles for them. (My squiggle doodles have evolved into some pretty cool designs if I do say so myself.)
  • I recently lost out on a temp job when I blew the interview. Would anyone like to guess what the losing factor was? It was when the interviewer asked me how well I would respond to being cussed out on a regular basis by salesmen I would be supporting. I replied that I didn’t take too kindly to being cussed out. After the interview, the placement agency that had arranged the appointment asked me if it would bother me if there was a lot of cussing going on around me. I explained that I didn’t think it was professional to drop F-bombs in the office. Additionally, it is personally offensive to me for certain words to be use as curses (JC and GD). I told the agency that I had explained this to the HR representative when he asked me this on two separate occasions. (It must be a prolific problem if he brought it up to me twice and to the agency once.) The agency told me that the HR rep said he wasn’t sure if I would be a great fit, but I was still in the running. The agency told me they would get back to me by the end of the workday with the final word. I didn’t hold my breath, and it was a good thing because the agency never called.
  • I am recovering from my 586,942,378,295th case of bronchitis and sinusitis. Honestly, I can’t even remember the last time I had the flu, old school or the new, panic-stricken swine variety. I just don’t get the flu. I ALWAYS get infections. Thank you asthma! I’m now in the disgusting phase of coughing up the infection. Seriously, there are some things I don’t want to see coming out of my body, and thick, yellow clots of rancid infection (yeah, I went there) is on the top 10 list. And as much as I want the infection out of my body, expelling it through my mouth is beyond disgusting. (So how many readers do I have left?)

    That said, I have a cough that is beyond my size. I’ve often said that I have the cough of a Green Bay Packer. It’s true. Once in science class at OBU, I was coughing so hard that the professor turned from the chalkboard and asked the football player next to me if he needed a drink of water. Jeff was a friend of mine and started laughing. He told the teacher it was me, not him, making the noise. The prof said, “Do you really expect me to believe that sound is coming out of Miss Woodruff?” When I began coughing again the teacher’s eyes got big, and he asked me if I needed to go see the nurse. Jeff asked why I got special treatment. The teacher said, “Because that isn’t natural. That sound shouldn’t be coming out of a 98lb girl.”

    Well my weight may have changed, but my cough hasn’t. In fact, I’ve tried over 20 different OTC cough remedies with no success. A prescription for a narcotic cough suppressant is the only thing that can touch my cough, and I’m not a big fan of being knocked out by narcotic juice. However, I will take that over bleeding lungs any day.

    Last week I was barking like a sea lion, and my mom told me that she had bought a great OTC cough medicine. She said it really worked. Of course I was skeptical and reminded her of my OTC history. She urged me to try it, and I finally gave in.

    Now I’m not going to give the name of the cough suppressant, but I’ve come to refer to it as Satan’s Kool-Aid. This has to be the nastiest stuff I’ve ever ingested. And the best part - the manufacturers know how bad it is. The packaging includes the phrases, “It tastes awful. And it works.” In fact, they've put that on the box more than once!

    So I poured a carefully measured dose and knocked it back. The moment it hit my throat I doubled over with instant nausea. There was a deep burn running the entire length of my esophagus and into my stomach. All I could do was moan, “Ugh, ugh, ugh” over and over.

    Those of you who know me know that I have an extremely high threshold for pain, but I have ZERO tolerance for nausea.

    There was an odd moment of revelation that occurred during this ordeal. For the first time in 11 months, I was thrilled to have the nerve damage that resulted from my wisdom teeth surgery. The right half of my tongue has a constant tingling sensation and is approximately 85% numb. Added to that is the fact I am unable to taste anything on the right side of my mouth. This was a blessing I never expected. I simply cannot imagine how much worse this could have been.

    I finally straightened up and made my way down the hall to confront my mother. With tears in my eyes, I stood in front of her trying to speak. When I was able to get words out I told her that she was a bad mommy, and I didn’t like her much at the moment. She stared at me as I was holding my stomach and asked what was wrong. When I explained she started laughing. LAUGHING! When I told her that my lip was burning she almost fell off the bed.

    I told her that what I had swallowed tasted like Vick’s Salve schnapps. She started laughing harder. I asked if she had ever use this “medicine,” and she admitted she had not. She asked me if it was working, and I told her that the very second it passed my mouth I lost all desire to cough. Mom seemed to think this was worth the cost. I think it was because my body was in shock.

    And while the “cough mixture” (as it is called) did stop my cough, it only lasted for 15 minutes. I’m sure it is a great remedy for the general public, but it just doesn’t cut it for a Green Bay Packer.

    And the two things I learned from this trial?
    1. This stuff will be served like sweet tea in H**L.
    2. I have a bad mommy.


Cbell said...

Oh... poor friend! You do have a bad Mommy! (My Mommy would do the same thing, by the way) My father would actually tell you to INGEST a tablespoon of melted Vicks Vapor Rub.

Seriously. That is what he took as a child. I pointed out that the label specifically states NOT to ingest... but he swears by it!

Janie said...

I'm sorry about the Satan's Kool-Aid, but your posts always make me laugh!

Floxy Bee Queen of Hikosso said...

This is my first time of reading your blog, I cried and rolled with laugher. Your mum is the best mum in the world she just wants her daughter to get better. I bet bitter is good!lol.

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