Monday, September 13, 2010

Fresh Tears for Worn Memories

The worst day of my life, to date, happened 17 years ago. I lost someone dear to me, and my heart stopped beating.

Not the physical heart that supplies life giving blood. It was my loving heart that renders and receives life dependent commitment. For a while I felt numb. Heavy. I thought my chest would collapse from the pressure. I begged God for sleep so I wouldn't have to feel the vacuous pit that engulfed me. Everything was black.

Soon my heart began to drum with such raw force I thought I would collapse.

But I didn't.

It pounded so hard I felt bruised inside- tender and so fragile. My heart and my mind wanted to escape.

But I couldn't.

Someone was holding me in place. Holding my heart. Hiding me in the still blackness. Clutching the pain that I couldn't contain as it seeped from me.

How could I have endured without Him? What would have become of me? How could I have survived without my Jesus?

And never did I ask, "Why?" I'm not sure how that is. Maybe He shushed my heart with His love to the point of understanding. Not understanding why such things happen, but understanding that He is in control of all things.

It has taken 17 years for me to attempt words about what that day was to me. My heart has healed. Well, mostly. There will always be some acreage dedicated to the love and memory of Andy.

I told my sweet friend Jennifer that as I am now in my 40s, I wonder if I will ever have the impact on this world that Andy had in his 22 years here. Oh what a heart that boy had. And wise beyond his days. It was always amusing to him that men, many years his senior, often sought him out for coffee and study time. He was so in love with Jesus. His faith was infectious. If you didn't know Jesus before Andy said hello, you had been introduced to Him by the time Andy said goodbye.

He was my iron, and he kept me sharp. He was my encourager, and he made me try harder. He was my clown, and he made me LAUGH! He was my friend, and he made me love.

I miss Andy, and I'm jealous of him. He has met our LORD face to face. Nothing compares to that. And truth be told, I'm a little jealous of God too. He has our Andy.


Jennifer said...

Wow, T...reading this through tears. Not enough words. Missing him with you...sweet and bittersweet memories...and thinking about that legacy..."He was so in love with Jesus." He was. I'm jealous, too.

And I'm proud of you for writing this today. Andy would be, too.:) You did it beautifully. I love you!!

Kecia said...

Tauna, I remember now seeing the remembrance of this day on Jennifer's blog last year. I'm so sorry. I'm praying for you and sending you love and hugs tonight. Our God is amazing, isn't He? Someday Jesus will come and get us and we'll all be together again. With Him!

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